I recently was asked to speak at a women's retreat at my church. This was stepping outside of my comfort zone but God used me and others to speak into my life.
(As I walked onto the stage, the song "Does Anybody Hear Her?" by Casting Crowns was playing faintly in the background.)
The way God calms my fears and helps me focus on Him is through songs. One of my favorite songs, “Does Anybody Hear Her?” by Casting Crowns tells how I feel best the busier my life gets: “She is running a hundred miles an hour in the wrong direction.” Do you ever feel like no matter what you do you’re alone and no one sees you? They don’t realize the struggles you keep tucked away. Well, you are not alone. I have felt that way and honestly at times the devil still tries to tell me these lies.
So what reason do I have to stand in front of you today; I’m just an ordinary person trying to live an extradionary life for my Creator. My favorite verse, Romans 12:2 “Don’t conform to the ways of this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind through Christ Jesus who strengthens you” is my daily reminder that no matter what direction I’m running in – God is always by my side and He is always in control.
I know first-hand that prayer works immediately and I also know first-hand that prayer can take time. But what God has shown me in the past several years is that when prayer takes time it doesn’t mean He’s not listening or doesn’t care. Our plans can be different than His and I’m slowly learning to “let go and let God be in control.”
I’ll never forget the experience that stirred up my passion for wanting to be completely consumed with living and serving God. I had just returned from a mission’s trip weeks before my junior year of high school. I had been to several church camps and felt the presence of God but when I left those camps I went back to my old habits of being two-faced. I acted one way at school and a different way at home and church. However, when I came back from Juarez, Mexico, I “wanted” to be different. I had traveled 72 hours on a Greyhound bus wanting to share something I myself was looking for: God. As much as I want to share this life-changing experience of how I became a Christian, today, I feel led to share about two other journeys in my life where God has truly been in control and continues to carry me through. The first is the death of my father and the second is my journey through infertility.
March 20, 1996 will be forever grained in my mind; unfortunately, this memory is quite the opposite of what I experienced on my mission’s trip. I was a carefree 10 year old living in a rural town with no more than 30 people. I was a “daddy’s girl”, even as a baby, my mom would feed me and then I would cry until daddy held me. My dad was disabled from an accident and as the youngest child I quickly became his personal nurse at the age of three. From long country drives ending in laughter to early mornings cheering dad on during physical therapy -- my dad was my whole world back then. He fixed “Mickey Mouse” pancakes for breakfast and he was there when I scored in the opponent’s basket. I would dream as a young child about graduation, my wedding, and even my future family, always picturing him nearby. In fourth grade, my world was turned upside down when my dad wasn’t home after school one day. My brother and mom came home with tear-stained eyes instead. I still remember questioning them the minute they stepped out of their cars “What’s for dinner?", "What's wrong?", and “Where’s daddy?” I didn’t fully grasp what had happened until I walked into my living room and saw my sister curled in a ball crying and my other brother nowhere in sight. My oldest brother pulled me in and gave me a big bear hug as he told me, “Dad had a heart attack and passed away.” The moment the words were spoken out loud my emotions went crazy, I hugged my mom and stayed with the family for quite a while before running to a nearby tree belt. I remember just laying there in the grass wondering “What now? How could I feel so broken?” My dad was my whole world and now he was gone. A piece of me was literally missing. Through the next few days, years, and even today, I have learned to find strength in God, my Heavenly Father. God has filled the void that was broken on March 20, 1996. Honestly, I still struggle with not having an earthly father but looking back God changed my family after this tragic event. We changed churches and not only started going every Sunday but also Wednesday nights. God begin working in my life as I started building relationships with other believers and learning how to live a life that wasn’t two-faced; acting one way at church and another at school. Throughout junior high and high school, I had the support of a solid youth group to fall back on when I struggled with bullying others, skipping school, and seeking other types of attention in a negative manner. I truly believe that God was watching out for me and it wasn’t until my mission’s trip that I could stand back and see how He had changed my life. God worked in my family’s life not only bringing us closer but drawing us closer to Him.
My second and most recent journey and struggle is with infertility. To begin with I want to share two journal entries from this past year.
Wow! I never thought that I would be sitting here writing about trying and wanting to have a baby. Well, wanting isn’t the right word…honestly, the only word that comes to mind is craving. It’s like there is something missing and I can’t fill it with anything else. I know, I know, this may seem like an odd word to use but… that’s really how I feel. At church, I can’t stop staring at the newborn baby swaddled in their mother’s arms. At the grocery store, I find myself staring at the toddler throwing a fit not because of the situation but because I wonder how I would feel if that was my child. All I can think about while driving down the road is how would it feel to have my child in the back seat singing along with the radio or snuggled reading a good book together at bedtime. What would it feel like to watch my child score their first goal in soccer? What would it be like to decorate a baby’s nursery and shop for baby clothes and toys? What would it feel like to cuddle up with popcorn and watch a movie past bedtime? What would it be like to not research fertility and adoption information but be completely consumed with taking care of baby and guiding them towards God’s perfect love and plans.
After ending this first entry abruptly because I was going to spend the afternoon at the lake with my in-laws, I returned from the lake to write the following:
I just got back from spending the afternoon with my 7 year old sister-in-law. We had a great time at the lake, however; honestly just moments after writing the words above, I was sitting next to my sister-in-law in the pick-up. Out of the blue, she asked me “When are you going to have a baby?” It took all I could to not cry and calmly tell her “I don’t know, It’s up to God.” Even now as I relive that moment, tears stream down my face. I wonder what I’ve done wrong; why can’t I have a baby. Is it merely genetics or is God punishing me? If I asked this question publicly everyone would tell me that God isn’t punishing me but how can I not feel that way?
As a young child, I dreamed of being a teacher and a mom. Well, I just started my 4th year as a third and fourth grade teacher and will graduate from college this May. I am very blessed to be living out the dream of becoming a teacher.
However, becoming a mom isn’t as easy…
A year after graduating from high school, I married my junior high sweetheart, Mark. When we first got married, 6 ½ years ago, I went on birth control because we wanted to wait to have kids until we were more financially stable. I was 19 and Mark was 20 at the time. However, about a little less than a year after we were married, we were really eager to start a family and together we decided we wanted God to be in control of the situation. I was really hoping we would get pregnant fast. In fact, the first several months, I took a pregnancy test a lot. I was super excited about starting a family and it never crossed my mind 6 years later I would still be waiting. In the past six years, God has taught me to relax and be patient. He is showing me that just because He hasn’t answered my prayer of blessing us with a child that He isn’t listening. I know He can see the whole picture and He knows what is best.
There are two things that I am daily reminded about and these give me comfort knowing that God is in control.
The first is…a Saturday afternoon about three years ago. To set the scene, our Pastor’s dog miscarried and we weren’t going to be able to get another puppy. At the time, we had a 3 year old English Settler.
Because of my situation on not being able to have a baby, I was confused and overwhelmed with emotions when Pastor told us the pups didn’t take. So a few days later I was home alone and couldn’t stop crying. For some reason, I choose to watch a few Baby Shows (which normally don’t bother me) but I just couldn’t take it anymore. I was literally yelling asking God why some people have babies and why we couldn’t have a child. I was too busy comparing my life with someone else’s. I was so depressed (looking back I think I was honestly starting to grieve the child I thought I would never have). I found myself on my knees…now, I am a believer and I pray constantly but on my knees next to my bed…I haven’t done that since I was a child. I found myself kneeling before God crying out to Him – with a combination of “Let your will be done” and “It’s not fair!” I remember during that prayer I asked God to show me that He was in control. I told Him that in 9 months I wanted a baby or a puppy. Now, that sounds strange even to me looking back but that’s what I said and that’s how I felt. I didn’t tell anyone about it for awhile and later when I did tell someone, deep down I wanted it to work out but I was falling short in the faith category. Anyways, this is December and in August, I’m not joking 9 months later, my husband calls me up out the blue and asks me if I want to go look at a couple 5 month old English Setter puppies. The whole way there I felt like the whole situation was surreal! Mark said he hadn’t been looking for dogs but had heard an advertisement on the radio that morning. Well that night I was cuddling a little 5 month old puppy in my lap on the way home as we talked about how God really was in control.
The second thing is…
About a year after picking up our 2nd dog, which I truly believe was a God thing, my Watertown doctor didn’t think there was much more they could do fertility wise for me here locally. So they suggested I could see a doctor out-of-town. We scheduled a fertility check-up appointment in February. In April, I had an MRI because my prolactin levels were high and they thought I might have a brain tumor in my piturary gland. It was a stressful Easter but with a lot of prayer surrounding me the results can back normal. The doctors put me on medicine that should lower the prolactin level (basically my body thought I was already pregnant –and still does).
A year later, in May, about 5 minutes before I was about to walk into my classroom, my sister told me that 2 of our uncles were killed in a car accident the previous night. I had a hard time pulling it together and asked an aide to take over our morning routine. My family and I traveled out-of-state for the funerals. About 15 minutes after I left my 2nd uncles funeral, my principal calls with a couple questions about an upcoming field trip. Just as I am about to put the phone away, an unknown number pops up. I reluctantly answer it and someone tells me my name was drawn from a raffle. (About a month prior to this I had bought a $5.00 raffle for MLS; honestly, I think that was the only time I’d every bought a raffle ticket.) This man told me that I had won $617.00. Now, I was a little taken back and thanked him for calling before I called my husband back home. I told Mark I think I won $617.00, $6.00, or $17.00; I’m not really sure but gave him the information on where he could pick it up. When my husband called me back later and told me it was $617 the goosebumps came back. Because the bill from my fertility check-up was $617.12. Wow! God is in control. There was no doubt where that money was going.
To fast forward a little, today my patience has grown tremendously – not to say there haven’t been more bumps and bruises in the road. But as I draw closer to God and learn to trust in His ways, I find peace. Just last month, I was excited about exploring adoption and deciding between domestic or international; trying to work out a financial plan that works for us. Throughout this whole ordeal, I always said, “If I don’t have a child before my 26 birthday, I want to adopt.” Well my 26 birthday is this January. Not to say we haven’t stopped looking into adoption but the doctor gave me a little hope when I went into an annual physical last month. He told me not to rule out a natural birth. So, here I am just regular old me continuing to trust in my Savior and knowing that He has a plan that is bigger and better than mine. I will graduate from college in May and I truly believe that one of God’s purposes and callings for my life is to be a teacher – if I would have had a kid the last few years, I’m not sure I would have finished my degree. Now, I don’t know what tomorrow brings – I don’t know whether 9 months or 10 years from now what to expect but I do now that…
God is always with us no matter what. Believe me the road isn’t easy and I’ve struggled with my emotions spiritually and physically along the way. Look back into your own life and maybe a crazy thing like asking for a baby or a puppy doesn’t come to mind but find those moments that God is showing Himself to you. He is in control and we can’t worry about tomorrow; let tomorrow worry about itself because we can’t control God’s plans.
I want to close with one last story. Last Saturday, I was struggling with what to share today. I’ve been working on this for about 3 weeks now – writing, deleting, and rewriting. I was frustrated with my husband because Satan was telling me lies like “He’s busy because he doesn’t want to be with you” or “Mark doesn’t love you because you can’t have a baby”. I sat down to do my homework and turned on the radio. The first song that came up was “God Is in Control” by Steven Curtis Chapman. This song brought me to my knees as I prayed thanking God for His ways and His plans and asking for more patience as I follow His perfect plan for my life.
As you listen to the song, “God Is in Control” by Steven Curtis Chapman, for a small moment in time stop what you are doing and if you’re broken or just want to draw closer to God get on your knees, stand, or remain sitting – don’t worry about anyone around you and think about those times God has been in control in your life and thank Him for all He is doing.
Also, the second song that played was "Lead Me" by Sanctus Real. This song was a wonderful reminder of how my husband loves me and God is in control of our marriage and future family. Here is a youtube.com for this link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tp9dRoeVp8A&feature=fvsr.
